Friday, January 9, 2009

i just wanted to write a blog so that i could say i'm a good blogger. not much to say. its been a great week. the past few hours have been rough. i'm really convinced i shouldn't be here right now.
but is it true?
can i absolutely know it?
how do i react when i think it?
i am mad at everyone around me for keeping me here. i have thoughts of chains and me trapped in them. images of people all laughing at me. its very painful. outside there is a whole world going on around me. everyone laughing, having fun. me trapped here.
its friday at 4pm, this is a very common one that comes up for me at this time.
how do i treat myself when i believe this thought?
i start to go into stories about how this is the wrong job for me, that i am out of it.
when was the first time you remember having this thought?
maybe back when i was a little lassy and living in the brown house where we snuck early in the morning to make eggs and were afraid we would get caught by our parents
who would you be without this thought?
i would be here and so cool with being here and tired
and proud of my work this week and even maybe okay with writing this blog, just relaxing a little bit after all this hard work.
i should be here right now.
1. i am
2. i can relax and have some fun
3. i am not willing to give up my peace, i'd rather be here and be at peace then be anywhere in the world

i look forward to having the thought i shouldn't be here right now because it reminds me that maybe i could be doing something to be a bit more loving to myself.
it reminds me to say, what is it that i'm doing here, that is so unbearable and make adjustments.
hey, i should be here right now. and i just blogged. =)

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