Friday, February 27, 2009

Oh the Internet is such a trip

So, Here is a link to the top one hundred great viral things online

And here's one:

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Carousel of Time

O Joni Mitchell. You are such a pretty lady.

Here are my favorite lyrics from the song.

"And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
Were captive on the carousel of time
We cant return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game"

It reminds me of my life lately. I notice the deep desire to feel happiness. And it only brings me back to sadness. Micael is such a wonderful Micael. I give myself exactly what I ask for. Happiness. And this happiness I want lives in the dichotomy of happy and sad. So I need to be sad too in order to be happy. I do it with out even noticing it. I give myself happiness and then I give myself sadness. I'm seeing now that I do it out of compassion, If I don't allow myself to be sad, I won't be able to feel the happiness that I desire.

Now, that I notice this....I can start to notice the difference between happiness and peace. Maybe this is yet another circle of peace and war. Maybe. But I guess my question is, is there anything outside the circles that we go round and round on? The Buddhists call it Samsara, the cyclical patterns of desire.

I can sit and notice. Ah, here is the happiness....and there is something else that's different and unwavering -joy-. Ah. Here is the saddness...and that same thing that existed within the happiness but was not the happiness the -joy, silence, peace- It's unnamable. The moment I name it, it becomes a part of the circle. It's God.

Thank you Joni for reminding me that these circles are exactly as you say. They are games.

I love to play them. I love to be happy. And with that comes sadness so I guess if I'm going to have full integrity, I can say, I also love to be sad.

With out further adieu: The Circle Game.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Happy Birthday Jas

It's my little brother's birthday today. Been kinda...sigh....waiting for it for like three weeks. Good to finally be here. I'm having a big shindig tonight for him at my place. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and saying that I had invited one of Jason's friends Ryan (who had been in Afghanistan with Jason when he died). I'm really excited that Ryan is coming and a little nervous that all my liberal friends might weird him out and then I actually said, "You know, Ryan is such a chill kid, it'll be fine. I'd be more worried if Jason were coming." Ha! I would too. If Jason were coming tonight I'd be like, "Hide the whiskey" =) Memories of him crashing parties of my mom's and my sisters. O. What a rascal. Truth is, I'd love to have him there tonight. Truth is...I am totally open to him being there tonight. I can't know that he won't be. In some amazing way.
Happy Birthday Jas. Hope you can make it to the party.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

They get an A for Effort....dur....

fail owned pwned pictures
So...its important to keep it in perspective. Usually I write about heros.
But today. Ahem. Not heros.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Byron Katie is a hero

This woman is my teacher. The best teacher I've ever had. Besides myself.
And everyone else in the world.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Loving the living and the dead. Loving it all.

What would my life look like if I loved the people in it with the same intensity as I love Jason?

That's been on my mind a lot lately.

The answer is not one that I think I've really allowed myself to dive into. Just the tip of the iceberg, my toe freezes up and I jump out.

The way I see it: now that Jason is gone, my stories about him and who he is and who he was to me and the world are all clearly glorified. He was a hero. He was a selfless loving darling boy. This is all true. I can find this all. And when I say all these things about my sister, who is living (thank god, bless her heart) I can also find them all to be true. Carise is my hero. She is a selfless loving darling girl. Yes. Easy.

Now, if I never got to talk to her again, that story would have no challenges. It would be a sealed deal. Just like with Jason. And then my desire to talk to her with increase ten fold because as time went on and the stories continue to be unchallenged, the stories gel and solidify in my brain. It's ironic and wonderful.

If Jason were alive right now and I were to call him on the phone. He would probably say a handful of things that would put the thought that he is selfless and loving up to the test.

Yesterday, however, instead of talking to Jason, I did in fact talk to Carise and was so happy to see her calling me and then she opened her mouth.


And as she talked, the stories in my head about how she was so selfless just went out the window. I was totally and completely at odds with it. I couldn't see it. She asked me how I was doing and then rolled right over the question and proceeded to talk a blue streak for five minutes about how she was. How could a selfless loving girl do that? So hard for me to see that.

Now, don't stop reading here and think that I'm saying I wish all my family was dead because it would be easier to love them, because that is very much not the case.

My relationship with Carise is a deep amazing channel of love that flows between us. My patience for her and love for her runs so deep that I can't even explain. She. Is. My. Sistah. Literally.

I am working to be a lover of reality and the reality is that my brother is dead and my sister is very much alive. And so I am given a gift from both of them. Jason dies and Carise lives. And can I find a place where it makes just as much sense to love her the same way I love him?

Of course, its not as easy. Jason doesn't talk to me explicitly anymore. He doesn't challenge any of my stories about what it means to be selfless and loving and a hero. He did the best he could when he was alive. And I guess I can even question that because actually, he is very much helping me right now to realize this. His name, his story, he is with me in this journey to discover this seamless compassion for all. Living and dead. He's like Sebastian in the Never Ending Story. Reading from afar with his apple in the attic.

So, Carise. My dear Carise. I look forward to the day that she can call me and talk a blue streak about her life and not ask me one single question and I can find undoubtedly where that is the most selfless thing she could ever ever do.

Family. What an amazing thing it is.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Jason Bogar, a superhero

Been thinking about that boy a lot lately. It would have been, or I guess still is, his 26th birthday coming up here in a few weeks. Deep sigh. Not sure where to go with that one. It definitely is still his birthday cause its the day he was born. His birth day. However there are some implications involved there that he is still alive and celebrating it. That to have a birthday one must be climbing up in the years and while that may also be argued that yes, Jason will be 26 this February 19th...that is not the case.

I miss my brother. I still hope that I'll get to see him on his birthday. I feel so much pain there.

He is in my heart. And my head and my dreams and all over my computer --his images and memories and the feelings and thoughts connected to them permeate my life. They soak into my core like a dark rum in a rich layered Tiramisu cake. He is undoubtedly there. Sometimes I feel shame that I don't think and love and miss my sister, dad and mom as deeply as I do Jason. I feel sick with love for Jason all the time.

If he ever felt like he wished I would love him more, he got that wish to come true. His death has somehow opened up this channel, river, dam of love that just bursts for him.


What would my like look like if I felt that way about the people living in my life?

I notice that the pain around his loss is usually a very superficial crust on a deep deep cavern of love. That when I scrape off the painful thought associated with the intense ravage of feeling that knocks me on my ass now and then, I find a GOLD MINE of love. Just endless, delicious love. So much thankfulness for our time together.

What kind of guy does what he did? A hero.