Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Jason Bogar, a superhero
Been thinking about that boy a lot lately. It would have been, or I guess still is, his 26th birthday coming up here in a few weeks. Deep sigh. Not sure where to go with that one. It definitely is still his birthday cause its the day he was born. His birth day. However there are some implications involved there that he is still alive and celebrating it. That to have a birthday one must be climbing up in the years and while that may also be argued that yes, Jason will be 26 this February 19th...that is not the case.
I miss my brother. I still hope that I'll get to see him on his birthday. I feel so much pain there.
He is in my heart. And my head and my dreams and all over my computer --his images and memories and the feelings and thoughts connected to them permeate my life. They soak into my core like a dark rum in a rich layered Tiramisu cake. He is undoubtedly there. Sometimes I feel shame that I don't think and love and miss my sister, dad and mom as deeply as I do Jason. I feel sick with love for Jason all the time.
If he ever felt like he wished I would love him more, he got that wish to come true. His death has somehow opened up this channel, river, dam of love that just bursts for him.
What would my like look like if I felt that way about the people living in my life?
I notice that the pain around his loss is usually a very superficial crust on a deep deep cavern of love. That when I scrape off the painful thought associated with the intense ravage of feeling that knocks me on my ass now and then, I find a GOLD MINE of love. Just endless, delicious love. So much thankfulness for our time together.
What kind of guy does what he did? A hero.