Friday, February 6, 2009

Loving the living and the dead. Loving it all.

What would my life look like if I loved the people in it with the same intensity as I love Jason?

That's been on my mind a lot lately.

The answer is not one that I think I've really allowed myself to dive into. Just the tip of the iceberg, my toe freezes up and I jump out.

The way I see it: now that Jason is gone, my stories about him and who he is and who he was to me and the world are all clearly glorified. He was a hero. He was a selfless loving darling boy. This is all true. I can find this all. And when I say all these things about my sister, who is living (thank god, bless her heart) I can also find them all to be true. Carise is my hero. She is a selfless loving darling girl. Yes. Easy.

Now, if I never got to talk to her again, that story would have no challenges. It would be a sealed deal. Just like with Jason. And then my desire to talk to her with increase ten fold because as time went on and the stories continue to be unchallenged, the stories gel and solidify in my brain. It's ironic and wonderful.

If Jason were alive right now and I were to call him on the phone. He would probably say a handful of things that would put the thought that he is selfless and loving up to the test.

Yesterday, however, instead of talking to Jason, I did in fact talk to Carise and was so happy to see her calling me and then she opened her mouth.


And as she talked, the stories in my head about how she was so selfless just went out the window. I was totally and completely at odds with it. I couldn't see it. She asked me how I was doing and then rolled right over the question and proceeded to talk a blue streak for five minutes about how she was. How could a selfless loving girl do that? So hard for me to see that.

Now, don't stop reading here and think that I'm saying I wish all my family was dead because it would be easier to love them, because that is very much not the case.

My relationship with Carise is a deep amazing channel of love that flows between us. My patience for her and love for her runs so deep that I can't even explain. She. Is. My. Sistah. Literally.

I am working to be a lover of reality and the reality is that my brother is dead and my sister is very much alive. And so I am given a gift from both of them. Jason dies and Carise lives. And can I find a place where it makes just as much sense to love her the same way I love him?

Of course, its not as easy. Jason doesn't talk to me explicitly anymore. He doesn't challenge any of my stories about what it means to be selfless and loving and a hero. He did the best he could when he was alive. And I guess I can even question that because actually, he is very much helping me right now to realize this. His name, his story, he is with me in this journey to discover this seamless compassion for all. Living and dead. He's like Sebastian in the Never Ending Story. Reading from afar with his apple in the attic.

So, Carise. My dear Carise. I look forward to the day that she can call me and talk a blue streak about her life and not ask me one single question and I can find undoubtedly where that is the most selfless thing she could ever ever do.

Family. What an amazing thing it is.

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