Full force ahead

Back in the saddle at Dell'Arte. I am surrounded by a really talented crew of artists. I feel blessed by this and also completely overwhelmed. We're exploring comedy. How to be funny. What is funny. I think to myself  "I've got a real hit on something" and present it only for it to fall flat. Then another moment, when I least expect it, I have everyone laughing with no real rhyme or reason as to how I did it.

There is a real strong sense of support and camaraderie here but part of that camaraderie is not sugar coating. We are here to really reflect to whomever is on stage what we see. The audience here is one of the toughest audiences I have ever stepped in front of --my peers. And it builds character but it builds character through being torn down. Faking it or dialing it in can be smelled a mile away and so can pushing too hard. It's a dance. Literally and figuratively.

What's important to keep in mind is the phrase: hold on tightly and let go lightly. That is to say, when I take on an action or make a character choice I take it on with full force. I nail it to wall with full force or I completely wreck it with full force. And that, if, in fact, I do completely butcher it, that I have the knowledge to let go of it completely and move on to something else.

I find, if I'm not careful, that I really can beat myself up over a choice I made hours ago. I'll find myself hunched over my kitchen sink doing the dishes and just tearing myself apart for pushing too hard when I put on that mask and delivered that stupid fucking line. It hurts to be that self-critical, to that depth.

 And as far as learning from my mistakes. Much of that learning that happens is on an unconscious level anyway. So, really, much of my work here is making bold choices, failing and then getting out the way for my self to learn from them.  Marvelous. Confounded. Stupifying.