Friday, January 2, 2009

so, i've been off "fighting crime" for the past few weeks, thats why i've missed posting.
the whole idea of a superhero has changed for me though, so i feel its important to share.
my superhero powers have morphed from nothing worth mentioning to welcoming stressful thoughts to examine question and then watch as they take a new form...or not

and my superhero powers are four simple questions.
heres how it works

i'm a bad blogger
is this true?
hmmm, well the definition of a bad blogger is some one who doesn't blog, right? and also someone who when they do blog they blog about boring uninteresting topics that only the person themself would find interesting.
so. i'm a bad blogger.
one follower.
i post pictures of dogs in superhero costumes and i'm doing the work.
i would say. YES i am a bad blogger.
can you absolutely know that's true?
well, really the definition of good and bad is something that eludes me more and more. to attach bad to the blog or the actions around the blog and good to others blogs or others perceived actions around their blogs gets so messy.

ill use a mainstream example. have you seen charlie wilson's war?
member when that amazing actor phillip seymor hoffman whose playing that fat drunk dude poses the question of do you know about what the zen master said. here's a clip from the movie:

Gust: There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. the boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later The boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, "how terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs all messed up. and everybody in the village says, "How wonderful."
Charlie Wilson: Now the Zen master says, "We'll see."

Right so, good and bad, get messy. It's just so much fun to watch my mind and watch it label, sunshine: good inside at work: bad heat: good heater: bad (it kills the polar bears) and on and on and on. killing polar bears: bad polar bears: good. i am shocked i can still work while being so busy with all the analogies.

shheeeesh. where was i?
o so is it true that i'm a bad blogger?
well, at this point i think its safe to say i'm a blogger.
cause right now, i am blogging. i am. blogging. typiddy type type bloggidy blog blog. according to me, superhero blogar and thats really the only reference i have. i blog.
am i a bad one?
that's just not my business.
so. absolutely cannot no its true i am a bad blogger.

how do i react when i think that?
o man. i just worry about what kind of pictures or funny things i can find to make up for my badness, my inability to blog, i ignore and don't think of my blog. i don't promote my blog. i don't want to read other peoples blogs because they will just prove how bad i am. if they blog more than me: i'm bad, they're good. if they post something before me: i'm bad they're good, if they have more followers than me: bad, good. you get it. my one follower who probably won't even read this. i know you get it.
so i react by avoiding and feeling disappointed in myself. i even blame my dad in a weird way for not teaching me to follow through with anything. (even though my father is very good at keeping up at his blog) nevermind, must blame someone.

when was the first time you had this thought?
i am bad.....fill in the blank....
well, i remember a very early memory i must have been four or five and it was dinner and my mom had made pasta but the kind with the different colored noodles, green, red, yellow. o my holy god. it scared me. i couldn't understand why the noodles were different colored. i usually wasn't picky but i remember thinking no way in hell i will eat that. that is bad news. and thats not where the thought i am bad came in, the i am bad came in when my mom made me sit at the dinner table after everyone else finished and i have this memory of this sinking feeling in my gut as a little girl with the cold noodles in front of me that still scared the piss out of me. i mean if someone handed you a hamburger that was black and neon green would you eat it? i was sitting there and i remember my mom was so mad at me and carise and jason were playing in the other room and i was sitting there thinking i am so bad....and i'll be DAMNED if i put one of those malicious noodles anywhere near my face.

what are you afraid would happen if you didn't believe this story?
i am afraid that without this story i won't blog as often.

who would you be with out your story that you are a bad blogger?
the greatest service to my fellow friends and readers and all (which is basically just dan at this point) is to not try to think for him in the past present or future.
i often write an email and then read it over once its sent as if i am the person reading it and i get this weird ego thrill like i've just jumped into that person's mind and received the email and judged it and gotten a glimpse into their mind so when they write back, i already am expecting them to have received it in a certain way and that leaves a great large part of life out for me. the other people. their part in it, i take that on too. with out this thought, i would be writing this with out raping the readers minds. i would be writing this considerate, maybe even editing for language because lord knows i love to swear...but really i would just be giving the greatest gift i could and that would be an honest open heart that is allowing the words to happen without writing them with a motive. and, i might even do it more often. who knows.

turn arounds.
i am a good blogger.
good bad polarity covered but that leaves me with more work to do on good because if i am to believe that nothing can be bad unless there is good then it throws me into a ton of questions about good and the concepts there. more on that later i imagine so for the sake of simplicity and just to understand that there are both sides to it.
i'll go with this turn around.
three examples
1. in my opinion, this is a good blog.
2. that dog picture is adorable
3. the blogar. now that's a damn good blog name.

i look forward to having the thought i am a bad blogger because it will remind me that its time to blog and do the work.


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